The 9 Best Oral Sex Techniques Ever

If you’re in the mood and you’re wanting to impart some oral satisfyin’, try these time-tested techniques to titillate your significant other’s “significant other.”

-If you are fellating make sure you take all 3 inches of his penis in your mouth. If it is longer than that, advise him to go to the emergency room immediately.

-No discussion about oral sex would be complete without bringing up STIs. Condoms are a very reliable, but in today’s economy who can be bothered? I mean, they’re cheap and in many cases available for free but sometimes you have to go all the way to the nightstand to get them.

-If your partner still isn’t any good at oral sex, most problems can be sorted out by communication and gentle direction. Usually this trouble-shooting technique works unless your partner is a school of piranha.

-If your partner is fellating you and starts to get a little hungry, let them eat your penis up to the frenelum. Don’t be so greedy!

-When at the peak of pleasure if your partner yells “Oh God!” Make sure you begin yelling “There is no cosmological, ontological, and teleological argument to verify the validity of that expression!”

-If your partner is hurting you while giving oral, ask him to take the live scorpions out of his mouth.

-Try filling your mouth with baking soda then gargle some vinegar and give a volcanically active blow job.

-Don’t let your sexual partner surprise you by giving you the latest STD, make sure you’re prepared to give your sex partner STDs not yet existing. One way to do this is by genetically modifying syphilis or herpes. When you give your partner the new strain, the joke will be on him/her.

-To spice things up by chewing some mint gum first. If that doesnt spice it up enough, use some real spices. Maybe some oregano or saffron.

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