My National Parks: Chaco Canyon

Hello folks! I’m Ranger Ben Kurns. I want to give you an idea of just how great our national parks are in the hopes that you’ll one day visit them. So, let me tell you some facts about Chaco Canyon and some of my experiences there.

Chaco Canyon National Park is located in San Juan County and McKinley County, New Mexico, USA. It is a historical park because it has Ancient Pueblos. But in many ways these are Modern Pueblos because I, my wife, and my extended family now live in them. Our Pueblos are filled with big screen tvs and many other modern conveniences. I have a few rooms that I’m renting out if you’re interested. There would have been more rooms, but I didn’t want too many neighbors hanging around. So I went ahead and demolished all but two other Pueblos in this area along with all the archaeologists inside.

Located in the Central Canyon is Pueblo Bonito. To the annoyance of the archeologists, I have partied there many nights and usually crash there when I’m tired of unearthing artifacts and destroying them. There’s so many rooms to Pueblo Bonito (like at least 650) that I’ve tried to make some quick money by selling it to the Hiltons. Every time the Hiltons become interested though my supervisors keep sending me to meetings that explain ad nauseum how Pueblo Bonito is public land and cannot be sold by an act of one person alone.

Evidence of archeoastronomy is abundant in Chaco Canyon. For instance, at Fajada Butte, a place where I often make love. You may have seen a few of my dirty ol’ mattresses and used condoms laying around. I do this intentionally so as to spread awareness about practicing safe sex. Being a Park Ranger is a big responsibility! Anyway, on Fajada Butte there exists a sun dagger that marks the equinoxes and winter solstice. I didn’t think this was nearly accurate enough so I went ahead and built my house on top of Fajada Butte with an assortment of beautiful wooden clocks built out of the wood of the trees from Redwood National Park.

One annoying thing about Chaco Canyon is the coyotes. They’re way too skillful at avoiding my truck. Oh well. I’ve learned to deal with the coyotes. It’s like in that movie Dances with Coyotes or something. You gotta make some deep meaningful connection with the coyote before you can truly live in nature. My attempt to be more in tune with nature has led me on long and annoying chases after that blasted Road Runner. It’s taught me a few things though. When I run off cliffs, I should do my best not to look down and I should not trust that stupid company Acme. Seriously!

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Chaco Canyon is especially known for its extreme climate. The night can get -38 degrees Fahrenheit and the day 102 degrees Fahrenheit. My dogsled team of Siberian Huskies were pretty efficient at pulling me through the desert at night but when it turned day, they’d usually croak over. I don’t understand why, especially since I was giving them a well balanced diet of salt and crackers. Michael Crichton, sometimes life doesn’t find a way. Anymore, I just use camels since they can survive the temperature extremes and when you try to give them crackers they just spit at you–that’s the kind of stubbornness I can live with. My supervisors keep informing me to be on the lookout for people who keep introducing camels into Chaco Canyon. Supposedly, camel introduction might be harmful to the ecosystem. My supervisors are dumb. Don’t they ever watch movies with people riding camels in the desert because they’d know that since Chaco Canyon is a desert, then it’s pretty obvious camels will be okay roaming around in Chaco Canyon.

I hope my experiences at Chaco Canyon will inspire you to check out your national parks. Remember, these national parks are preserved for the people’s enjoyment.

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